I stood there in shock as the doctor related my condition to me. Tears rolled down my cheek and for split seconds, I felt my throat tighten and the walls began to close in on me; my knees started to give way as I slowly fell to the ground.
The day of my cancer operation was due and my husband Chike whom we took solemn vows together: in sickness and in health and other related words that went with that statement. He was selfish and I understood that, but he had decided no amount of communication was going to make him come to see me as he saw nothing wrong with himself.
I was having one of my breast removed as a result of the cancer that had eaten deep into my system, so yes I needed all the support I could get. The process took a long while.
Some weeks had passed and still Chike hadn’t come to the hospital once. We had only a son whose presence became even when he just little. I felt very bad and depressed because I couldn’t place why on earth he didn’t come. Eventually I was discharged from the hospital and he didn’t even know that I was coming home that day or maybe he did, maybe our little boy had told him.
I held our little boy by hand as we strolled in and found him watching a football match; the surprise on his face meant two things and I wasn’t sure of one; was he surprised that I survived and was back much better or it could be that he wasn’t ready to see me. To me, we weren’t having problems; we were just fine or at least that was what I thought.
Sometimes we just have to embrace the situation at hand and transform it for the better. This might look quite challenging but not impossible, it’s like the saying life threw stones at you and you make a stone castle out of them.
Yes this person was supposed to be there in this case; Chike was supposed to be there, but he wasn’t.
Life does not end; deal with what you’re feeling; embrace what you’re feeling; transform it and use it to find yourself. Create a well of positive emotions around you.
FREEDOM IN DEATH
I was so tired of all that was happening, I’ve been ill for so long it feels like a lifetime. In fact everybody at some point was expecting me to just die off, having spent a lot of resources on my ailment and still no improvement. I didn’t blame them because I was also tired of my state.
The unending pain I felt in my body would not give way, so there I was lying down and wishing that life would slowly drift out of me. Since I was a waste of space, why shouldn’t I just pass and give room for someone else with greater importance.
All these, I thought to myself as I closed my eyes and called on death to come take me. At least where he’d take me to my body won’t go through any traumatizing pain. I’d be free.
STRONGER; THE REAL YOU
We often forget that it’s our challenges that make life exciting and then there’s a reality and value check of the things we have and the things we do not. This valuation in turn makes us grateful for the little we have. There’s always someone out there whose case is much worse than yours and you even find them more excited and at ease.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling like giving up; that’s what makes us human. Seeing a stronger you is like waking to see the whole world wanting to hear your story and be inspired by your very living situation.
So rise! Rise like the army inside of you as the chains of what you’re feeling give way for a new feeling of hope and wholeness that should surround you, the real you.
When all you feel is lost and miserable, know that you are at the defining moment where you should stand and fight with the army inside of you, because you have always been stronger and just didn’t know it. Now you know it, you have that power to push, push till there are no more dark clouds; push for hope; push for life; push for you. That’s what matters.